ISI Responsible For Cricket Debacle: India

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CENTURION – Within minutes of Pakistan’s last ball defeat at the hands of Australia at the Centurion ground in South Africa, Indian Minister for Extrenal Affairs S M Krishna has sensationally pointed the finger at Kashmir-based militant group ‘Lashkar-e-Tayba’ which it alleges is supported by Pakistan’s InterServices Intelligence Agency (ISI).

‘We know there is no way Pakistan would have lost to Australia after being in a winning position towards the end. We have intercepted calls from Lashkar-e-Tayba masterminds made to the Pakistan dressing room in those last few minutes of the game. You can see why Misbah-ul-Haq went down and asked the physio came out with the message that they have to lose the game.’ He remarked.

Earlier, Home Affairs minister P Chidambaram had talked of Lashkar-e-Tayba using earnings from betting on allegedly fixed matches to fund what he called ‘Terror attacks’ on Indian soil.

“Its the oldest and quickest way to make money to be used for Terror attacks against India”, he said. “Daud Ibrahim has done it in the past and now Lashkar-e-Tayba has bought the Pakistan team and I suspect even the Australian team. The international community must take notice of this injustice on India and punish Pakistan severely. We will take this to the United Nations Security Council and get both teams banned”

“Team India is the best team in the world at the moment and despite not winning any games in the ICC T20 and going out in this tournament, they will still be the number one team in the world. Infact we have arrested today a Pakistani ISI agent who masterminded the fixing of the matches in T20 World Cup in June this year”, added Chidambaram.

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Reaction on the streets to India going out of the ICC Champions Trophy has been surprisingly muted. Fans interviewed minutes after Australia’s victory at Centurion declared they never expected India to fare well in this tournament.

“Everytime Pakistan plays we know the games are fixed by the ISI, Lashkar-e-Taiba, Daud Ibrahim and Al Qaeda. They know they cannot beat us fair and square so they have resorted to paying the officials and umpires to make it difficult for India to win. There’s no point watching cricket anymore whenever Pakistan is involved. I just want to kill myself”, said a teary-eyed 24 year old cricket fan in Delhi before jumping off the 7 ft high boundary wall around his slum and breaking his arm in the process.

India is also said to be launching a probe into the rain that washed out their game against Australia on the 28th, giving a point each to both teams which led to India having to rely on Pakistan’s result against Australia today. Alleging the involvement of Chinese weather satellites, Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh has promised to investigate claims from his cabinet that Beijing had assisted Pakistan’s ISI in changing the weather conditions at Centurion, causing a massive downpour that swept away India’s hopes and rested them firmly on Pakistan’s shoulders.

Meanwhile in another development, a few members of the Pakistan cricket team had to be taken to hospital after being out of breath due to laughing uncontrollably at an Indian TV Programme.

‘The boys are fine, we just happened to tune into this programme, I think it was a comedy show, on Zee News in the dressing room and man those guys are hilarious, we just couldn’t stop laughing’, said star batsman Shahid Afridi before bursting into another fit of laughter and being stretchered off to the emergency ward himself.

 

 

DISCLAIMER: The above post is purely satire and not intended to be taken seriously. I repeat – DO NOT TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY.

 

This satirical write-up was published on September 30, 2009.

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